Different Strokes

So I played tennis the other day, I"m getting back into it. I played with a group of about 16 that were completely different from the first group of 16 I had played with the prior week, one of the interesting consequences of the modern internet meet-up phenomena. All of these new people were very pleasant and engaging, it was like speed dating for tennis playing. We would play doubles for a set and then move on to the next group. I ponder the positive spiritual outcome of such interactions, with all of these souls swimming through different streams so quickly, finding who you bond with is becoming efficient.
Let's face it, even if you believe that the connections you truly need will be given to you, when you are around rivers of people you make more friends and have the opportunity to date more. Soon, the positive of the school group, the energy and life, will come into our professional life. We will have big social circles in our adult life again, ones that have been fading since before I was born. This is exciting, we have a massive network that allows us to hang out with large groups of people we bond with; I can't wait until it takes off. Or, I should say I can't wait until we have gained a little altitude, because we are certainly at least near the end of the runway.
Aside from this phenomenon, I was amazed at the personality of everyone's tennis stroke. After playing with 32 people, not one was nearly the same. There was the heavy hitter(me), or as I was declared last match, the "loose cannon," a label that I found amusing for historical reasons. There was a man I deemed the "spin master," who was only good at one thing, but when he cast his spell on the ball I had about .5 seconds to guess which way it was going when it hit the court or it was gone. There was the form individual, who barely hit the ball with any effort but somehow it would come back at bizarre speeds catching me off guard, the net player, Mr. Let, as his serves always hit the tip of the net, and the two poor individuals I nailed with my serve. One of which was my first of the match, which I suppose this is where my nick-name originated.
Anyways, I found it infinitely curious, no matter what you train to play there is hardly ever going to be someone you have prepared for in every capacity. Everyone is so different, and there are so many little things that you have to learn about them in order to know how to play them. Just like ourselves, some I get the first game, most it takes time for me to feel comfortable. One good thing about being me is that I can win against anyone, and I can loose against anyone, this keeps me on my toes. It also makes me appreciate losing, I have always liked the challenge of a good loss, because you better bet I'll play until I win. These different strokes make things so interesting though, and allow me to keep learning new and different ways to play and win the game. I imagine someone once said, that if you just enjoy playing the game, then you've already won.

For Myself

When I started this blog I thought I was just going to make little observations about small neat things in life that might relieve some stress of people who read it. I will do that a lot, hopefully soon, but recently this blog has been for me. It is my way of expressing my feelings to a world that I am not connected to and every time I try to connect to it, I get kicked out. Its one of the few areas where I have a voice that like maybe 4 people listen to partially lol, but a voice none the less.
I am in an area in my life that requires a strange kind of faith, one that I have come to trust and doubt only when I am not myself. It is feeling, that very core feeling that you have between a person that tells you if that person is good for you. I have to have faith in this feeling for many reasons. First, its always right, and I need to be me. Second, to not be angry or frustrated at someone just because things aren't going my way, and to show I trust them. Third, and this is really important; llama pants, and I don't say that lightly. Fourth, because there are sometimes mountains of time you must cross without talking to someone to get to the sea, and in the meantime you are not going to make it if you can't feel beyond those seemingly impassible peaks, feel.
I can feel beyond those peaks, but god help me I can't see. In my personal life and professionally, it is impossible. So that is why I have to have faith; to make it to the sea. At the sea it is so beautiful, just the anticipation alone fills my heart with joy; I know it is there, because I can feel it. On a larger scale, i feel all of humanity is still crossing impassible peaks, as we have obviously not made it to the ocean yet. When we do the Skeptics and Rapturists are finally going to realize what we've been talking about this whole time.
I implore you to trust that feeling that tells you you will make it to the sea, the more of us that have the perseverance to make it to the sea, the closer humanity gets to the ocean.
I send love and streams along the way-

Frustration

Many things that boggle my mind about faith and life are those that you can't change for any spiritually valuable reason. Something that is forcefully holding you back or down, without rational purpose or meaning, it is in fact a lack of meaning. These things have helped me develop my peculiar individualized stance on faith and the human experience.
My example here is my stomach/blood sugar problem that causes me pointless misery everyday for hours, for no good reason. It has stolen countless hours of my life, and makes me insecure not from any lack of personal strength, but from a purely physical lack of blood flow. I can't function, concentrate, or remember, and I question all of those things that I normally am confident of in myself, because I am what I believe to be low on blood sugar. Then, all of the sudden, a few hours after digestion, I return! Confident and beautiful, clever, wise, and funny. No mental change manifested this, there is no mind over matter here, but only something purely physical bewitching me! I use the term bewitch for some sort of comedic irony. I can do nothing about this problem, at least for the moment, and it keeps me from being myself and growing a lot of times. I would elaborate further, but I am so sick of talking about this problem that it wouldn't be any fun to read about.
So, what does something like this make me believe? It makes me have faith not in God, but in us. I am a true humanist, except this includes animals too, lol. We have things that cause us so much pain that they make no sense, because the universe is not a perfect plan, it is quite random, in fact. We as spiritual beings, we as humans, have been trying to make this existence less painful, we are attempting to get rid of the pointless pain that keeps us from growing forward. That is what this pain means to me, it means that we are god, and we have to make the difference. I don't mean that pompously, but literally.
This supports my very understanding of the meaning of life. It leads me to believe that God, or Energy as I call it, which is actually a just as endearing, infinite, and beautiful term is not conscious. Energy is not conscious, only when it interacts with matter quite thoroughly does it attain some level of consciousness, and that my friends is us. This pointless pain doesn't mean that life is absurd by any means, but instead that life creates its own meaning. Life must stop these absurdities, and it is doing so, first slowly and now quickly.
Often times absurd pain tends to create an attitude of nihilism. This is ridiculous to me, because it completely denies the meaning of the human spirit, and assumes that if energy is not conscious then things are pointless. Things are of the up most meaning in this place, and if they aren't we are working to change that, there are people working to help me with my absurd pain, and create something meaningful out of it, so that we can grow, and just be, living at peace with conscious meaningful interaction. This does happen once in a while, until the absurdity comes along. Do me a favor, don't be the absurd, be the meaning. We are the most powerful beings in the known universe, use this strength wisely.

Growth

Growth is one of the most painful things known to mankind. It is tedious, evasive, and required to get where you want to be. I always jump into it with excitement, and try to hastily swim to the other side. Consequently, I end up in the middle of the lake of growth, exhausted and screaming "HELP!" Where there are usually not very many people, and it takes the lifeguard a while to make it out there.
He comes out there and lets me take the float for a few days, and then leaves me with the advice "Take it slow out there, otherwise you will drown," and I nod my head in understanding. You have to change the very foundations of your being a lot of times, just to grow. This takes time, you can't build structure without foundation, because it will inevitably sink. A lot of the bad habits of you are subconscious, and you have to bring them into consciousness again, and again, correcting them each time until the change becomes conscious. This physically hurts, its hard as hell, takes forever, and your subconscious will do crazy things to protect itself; hence, painful, tedious, and evasive.
This doesn't mean it's not worth it; growth is one of the few things that you know will always be worth it. The sense of accomplishment afterwords is joyful, meaningful, and inspiring. This perseverance is seen by everyone around you, and literally changes the course of your life. Don't let frustrating events sidetrack you from appreciation of this magnificent achievement. You are ready to face the world anew.

I am attempting a few growths at once right now, at one point in time I believe that they metastasized and spread throughout my entire structure, causing it to crumble to the ground. Luckily I still had a tent from the last time this happened, so I wasn't left completely homeless. (I know, too much, so what? Call the fucking metaphor police! If they show up at my door I'll tell them the trees are already burnt and i can't find the forest) This was only a brief collapse, it not being the first one it was a little easier. I suppose if you build a foundation for a foundation you don't have to rebuild the bottom one. All it is is like some sheet rock, I mean that stuff last forever. If you're not confused at this point in my description, I applaud you.
Anyways, so I changed my physical foundation, A.K.A. my diet. Who had any idea how big of a pain in the ass that would be? All of your cravings that guide you, all of your warm comforting food habits, gone. I kept like three; decaf coffee, bread bowls, and sushi, but I might have to get rid of bread bowls!! The nutrition change messed my body up for a while, it kinda goes ape shit when you stop giving it everything that it is used to, and try out all this new food.
The other growths were more professional, and a slight personal one. The slight personal one I was like 9/10 the way there, I just needed to know it was indeed the right place to be, or right person to be, I could say. The professional ones, man they were boring, so I will save anyone who actually made it this far the pain of reading about them, and simply say that one of them is this blog. Manifested growth right before your very eyes! But they are still in baby stages, poking their heads above the soil and crying out for Light!
I hope you swim across the lake at your own pace, and don't mind if others pass you, you might find that you have to help them from drowning.

A New Home

Finding a new home is never easy, in fact it is next to impossible. You would think that from impossible's doorstep you could see your new home, but impossible has a big yard. In fact, impossible has infinity acres. Not only does it have infinity acres, but there is no map for impossible and she/he is never home. You get lost at impossible's doorstep, and lost quite frankly, lost is a lame friend. He is always hanging out at impossible's doorstep, just waiting for you to come by so he can filch off of your emotions. Best to just stay away from impossible all together, although the infinity acres to come and go as you please is there, nothing really happens except getting lost. Although they do say sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself, which can be true, lost can help you find that. He can sometimes take you to self creation's doorstep and tell you to begin again, and once you start lost hitchhikes back to impossible, because there is always someone going to impossible.
What was I talking about again? Ah, yes. The search for a new home, anyways, impossible to find directly from impossibles. You definitely have to come from self-creations doorstep, because a new home has to be built. I found a place to start building mine today, it seemed unfriendly at first, but that's because I was carrying around lost, and nobody really likes that guy. Let's face it, he is that guy who shows up at the party that everyone would wish leaves, and if he came with you they are going to blame you, even though sometimes its not your fault. I dropped lost off a few days ago, so when i walked into what i assumed would be an un-friendly place, it was not. They were like oh this guy again, he probably brought lost, wait a sec... Nope, he's alone and seems to be fine with that, interesting. Thus I was handed a shovel, and told to start digging, Gemini I suggest you start digging! Sorry sounded like a horror scope for a second, I kid because I love. I was very happy to recieve a shovel, and now I will begin laying my foundation as far away from impossible's house as possible.

Friendship a True

It always sucks when you loose a friend because of lies, but what is really a heart breaker is when you loose someone because of the truth. It's not that one of you was not genuine, or they slept with your ex and didn't tell you, or you find out they were trying to use you, but instead its something that neither one of you can do anything about.
It is like fate walked up to both of you, and said "Nope, I am sorry you are having waaay too much fun, and you have to stop," and then proceeded to kick you in the balls. "I'm sorry, this is just the way it is," fate said, honestly, which i must admit, hurt me and fate's friendship just as much. In fact, i am still waiting for a call and a sincere apology followed by a great night before I consider letting fate on my good side again.
The only positive thing about genuinely having to distance yourself from a friend, is that there is a sense of peace and understanding. No one did anything wrong, so there is no guilt. Melancholy, yes; guilt, no. Which is why fate should be feeling quite guilty right now, but neither me or my former companion of coffee places and parks is. In fact we are fine fate! You however must be stricken with guilt!!
Seriously though, afterwords the powers that be seem to leave an air of hope, a new start, to those who were genuinely true friends. This is what makes it worth it, these small rewards for great deeds that only those involved can see. So if you loose a friend a true, don't fret for long, because you will find a friend a new.

Cleansing

Have you ever noticed that the rain generally comes after you have let something go, or been through a huge mess of life-tastic drama? Its like finally this great weight has lifted, and now the rain must come to wash it away. I can feel it in my mind, cleaning the little neurotransmitters and getting the gunk out from behind their ears. I really do wish they would listen to each other better, sometimes it is like they are just playing catch with my serotonin.
But rain is a very nice feeling; a flood of washing away old stresses and anxiety. During the process I find that i cannot do anything new. The want to stay inside and do nothing on a rainy day is no only because its gloomy, but because there is a physical and spiritual cleanse going on. I feel like i can't do new things because they just get washed away in the stream of my thoughts. Like right now, I feel like i can't write very well at all! I thought that I should try and express this idea though, before the dam before it breaks and it too is numbed and scrubbed.