Relieved
Yesterday was a very bad day, not necessarily bad on its own, but in collaboration with the last week, month, year, and decade, quite atrocious. It was a day of painful recognitions. The realization that all my recent hopes have always died right after they were birthed, that enjoying hope was not possible, because I am inevitably let down and denied the celebration of success. I don’t believe in not getting my hopes up, its part of whom I am, but yet my life seems to be trying to direct me to a new way of understanding hope, all beget emotion in general. I must learn to turn it off, even hope, which I do not understand. I do not accept nor understand the learning process of neglecting hope, the most amazing of things, in order to not be let down so hard. If I am to be more careful of hope, how do I tell when to exercise it? If I wait until it is safe to hope, after the situation has resolved, then I have lost the chance to hope to begin with. So I say to this new continual disappointment that has lasted for years, I disagree. I call horseshit, and I use my standing up for myself card, which was recently acquired, to enforce my decision.
I do feel strange hoping now though, like I know it is a bad idea, for some reason there is no hope here. There is only faith; a kind of long distance hope that requires you to keep it even if it lets you down once in a while, even if it only comes true once in a while, because by definition it is something that you have to create even when there is no evidence of it. I used to think it was something that you had to believe in without evidence, but now I know it is something that you have to create as well. Faith is a persevering hope, which brings me back to my first paragraph.
As I look out from a bird’s eye, I understand why my hopes aren’t succeeding, and only my faith is. I am creating my faith at a time when there is no hope, partially because that is one of the only times when one can create something beyond hope. Only when you feel you have nothing, can you create faith; otherwise you are just believing in what is already there. Growing up and living slower seems to be a bi-product of this lesson, I hope it isn’t for me in a way, because I don’t want to forget hope, and being really emotional and alive, I just want to learn to live slow and fast, and what time is the right time for each. That and I wish the process was more fun, and less horrible, but I can’t think of a way for that to be with the way you have to learn faith.
The problem with this for me is that I am becoming afraid of spirituality. It seems that spiritual growth is all pain and suffering, and not really worth it. I’d much rather just accept who I am, live life not growing anymore, and be close to people. Much more than venturing out on my own on some forced spiritual conquest that will leave me “better as a person.” The truth is, I like who I am now, and I think that this loneliness is making me a stronger person, but less happy. I don’t want to be someone so cold and independent, just because everyone else hurts the people around them and I don’t think I should have to be.
I apologize for the bi-polar nature of this piece, but I also like it that way a bit. It expands on why I need to step away from emotions, but at the same time why I need to keep them. I feel that it is so hard for me to tell if the direction of my life, as far as connections are concerned, is due to myself, or others. I feel in my heart that it is others, and that I have always valued and excelled brilliantly in my relationships with friends and loved ones. So I just don’t know what to do when there is no way for me to have a single deep connection in my life, I think I have created this false struggle of learning to stand completely on my own and create faith just because I am so frustrated at the way others neglect the most valuable of connections. The thing in life I value the most, the only thing we keep beside ourselves after we pass on is abused, forgotten, and left for dead. Most of the time it is left for sick, disgusting reasons; egocentrism, fear, selfishness, and material possessions.
I simply don’t believe how cold and lost some can be. We are brothers and sisters, yet we leave each other to drown. Why can’t we explore each other a bit? What happened to best friends? What happened to having someone you could tell everything to? I never gave up on it, even after losing it many times, because I am a spiritual being, not an island.
These complications rack my mind, because I am now stuck standing up for myself on my own, and learning to be even more careful in my friendships, which leaves me no close friends at all. Not dissing the distant homies, I mean ones here. Its tough to be myself when the thing I value the most is the thing I must learn to be away from when I don’t believe that it is healthy to be away from it. Experiencing life alone, I just don’t feel very much at all, in fact I feel dead. I don’t consider it life, only when balanced is it life. When I have a best friend, or loving relationship, all the sudden my alone time blossoms. I am happy to be apart from everyone, and into myself for a while. But, when I have nobody to do anything with, my alone time is trying. It is all the time, and it is out of balance. This is why, for me, I disagree. This balance is killing me, making me stronger, yes, but taking away something irreplaceable. Taking away my life to make me stronger is no grand gesture, is it necessary to allow me to be able to cut off anyone who abuses me? No. I could do that before, but it is giving me the power for something greater, something of which I do not fully understand.
And so, with these ten opinions of the same subject I have in my head, I leave you to comment, and as a sum total, I still call horseshit.
P.S. value your connections enough to fight for them and with them, and always empathize with the other and yourself
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Standing Up
Standing up for yourself is a very tough balance for me. I can't let my emotions take control, but I still have to get my point across. I have to respect the other person's opinion and circumstance, but they have to respect mine, they HAVE to respect mine that's what I need to remind myself. I often times get too caught up in empathy and respecting others situations to have time to remember my own. This can lead to overcompensating, A.K.A. karate chopping a metal shelf, and almost breaking my hand. It can also cause you to lash out at someone else if you don't stand up to the right person at the right time, but luckily I'm pretty clear of that vice.
I never realized that this is something that must be done in every conversation, because there are power whores everywhere. Historically I had just avoided these types of people, but they are still out there, and they need to be put in their place. The good news is, I'm fed up with their shit, and I'm not taking any more. So much of the fear I have felt in my life is from being hurt by others words, and this new realization puts an instant end to that. It's a cut off from the deep parts of me, which I never wanted to do, I always wanted to be completely open to everyone, but it's too much work for empathizing with a bunch of assholes.
That and it makes the people I choose to empathize with that much more respected and powerful, and takes away from jerks. I'm not going to bother feeling something that a low-life says to me, and I like that. I've never known how to do this before, I was never taught, but letting in the bad never makes any sense. I love people, I realize the reasons we are so horrible to one another sometimes is because our lives are often times a struggle, so we fight to survive. The only way to clean our culture of this sickness is to starve it to death, and I never fed it, but it eats me, so I'm not being the food anymore.
Right now that part of my life is rewarding, but there is a part I am stuck with, that I don't know what to do with. It involves a relationship that I don't know how to stand up for myself in, one that my friend walked away from. How do I stand up for myself to someone who isn't talking to me? It's like someone just dropped me, and then ran away from ever having to think about me again, how do I get closure from that? It's a toughie. I can't get angry, or yell, I can't send a nasty petty note, I can't let them know how I feel, and that they are killing me, the very best parts of me. I never ask for much from a friend, but I do ask that they be a friend, and just talk to me. Don't excuse away a relationship until it is dead because you are afraid; that is the fear written about over and over again that kills so many beautiful things.
I could never relate to people who do this, just toss a person aside and forget about them so they can live in their bubble. It's not like that person actually went away, and there is all this unsaid mush in the back of their brain that has got to be eating at them. I feel bad for that, because it is a type of denial that leads to a breakdown. That and it hurts both the both of you, for no reason other than someone is afraid of having a tough conversation. I have always had those tough conversations, and I am free because of it. Don't loose a great thing just because it is hard to keep for a little while.
The truth is, standing up for myself in this situation was exceptionally difficult because there was a good reason for distance. Now this distance has become too vast, and there are no reasons left, just the feeling like I have been duped. Like I was lied to, and forgotten about. I tried all that I knew to do to stand up for myself while respecting my friends life and feelings, but she never tried for me. Not a single call, not a note that wasn't a response, and not a single cup of coffee, just a drop and a unfulfilled promise to be a friend again. Unfortunately, I don't think there is much time, or space for her to be a friend again. Its been too long, and I've been too strong, if there was anything to do to change this I would, but like I said, I've tried everything, and even nothing wasn't enough. This is me standing up for myself, and these few days are her last chance to show me that she is a friend. Based on history, I doubt we will survive, based on a specific person, we still have a tough shot. After that, I will be listening to my favorite Ani song, and moving on. I always thought that you were different, but you always wanted to be the same. Benjamin
I never realized that this is something that must be done in every conversation, because there are power whores everywhere. Historically I had just avoided these types of people, but they are still out there, and they need to be put in their place. The good news is, I'm fed up with their shit, and I'm not taking any more. So much of the fear I have felt in my life is from being hurt by others words, and this new realization puts an instant end to that. It's a cut off from the deep parts of me, which I never wanted to do, I always wanted to be completely open to everyone, but it's too much work for empathizing with a bunch of assholes.
That and it makes the people I choose to empathize with that much more respected and powerful, and takes away from jerks. I'm not going to bother feeling something that a low-life says to me, and I like that. I've never known how to do this before, I was never taught, but letting in the bad never makes any sense. I love people, I realize the reasons we are so horrible to one another sometimes is because our lives are often times a struggle, so we fight to survive. The only way to clean our culture of this sickness is to starve it to death, and I never fed it, but it eats me, so I'm not being the food anymore.
Right now that part of my life is rewarding, but there is a part I am stuck with, that I don't know what to do with. It involves a relationship that I don't know how to stand up for myself in, one that my friend walked away from. How do I stand up for myself to someone who isn't talking to me? It's like someone just dropped me, and then ran away from ever having to think about me again, how do I get closure from that? It's a toughie. I can't get angry, or yell, I can't send a nasty petty note, I can't let them know how I feel, and that they are killing me, the very best parts of me. I never ask for much from a friend, but I do ask that they be a friend, and just talk to me. Don't excuse away a relationship until it is dead because you are afraid; that is the fear written about over and over again that kills so many beautiful things.
I could never relate to people who do this, just toss a person aside and forget about them so they can live in their bubble. It's not like that person actually went away, and there is all this unsaid mush in the back of their brain that has got to be eating at them. I feel bad for that, because it is a type of denial that leads to a breakdown. That and it hurts both the both of you, for no reason other than someone is afraid of having a tough conversation. I have always had those tough conversations, and I am free because of it. Don't loose a great thing just because it is hard to keep for a little while.
The truth is, standing up for myself in this situation was exceptionally difficult because there was a good reason for distance. Now this distance has become too vast, and there are no reasons left, just the feeling like I have been duped. Like I was lied to, and forgotten about. I tried all that I knew to do to stand up for myself while respecting my friends life and feelings, but she never tried for me. Not a single call, not a note that wasn't a response, and not a single cup of coffee, just a drop and a unfulfilled promise to be a friend again. Unfortunately, I don't think there is much time, or space for her to be a friend again. Its been too long, and I've been too strong, if there was anything to do to change this I would, but like I said, I've tried everything, and even nothing wasn't enough. This is me standing up for myself, and these few days are her last chance to show me that she is a friend. Based on history, I doubt we will survive, based on a specific person, we still have a tough shot. After that, I will be listening to my favorite Ani song, and moving on. I always thought that you were different, but you always wanted to be the same. Benjamin
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Closeness
Connection is a strange and powerful thing, how close you are to someone can both hurt and help you at the same time. It can give you the strength to go on when there is nothing left, a light in absolute darkness, but also it can hold you back from taking chances you need to grow. Without out it, there is just you; and that is scary. It is also a relief, an unbelievable relief, no one to let you down, hurt you, tell you who to be, judge you, no one; all there is is you.
Without it you can learn to be an island and not sink, even in the greatest of storms. Without it you have the possibility of developing an adamantine skin, the words of others bend when they try to penetrate your soul.
Faith takes on a different meaning, to me its almost that without it there is misery and doubt, and with it there is a persevering hope, but both seem just as truthful. It almost seems like a choice of how you want to live, and for me, I want to live the truth, so I take both sides of faith. I do not want to be happy for every moment of my existence if I am not happy, and the same with being sad, I only want to be me. Lack of connection is the most difficult thing I have learned to deal with over the last ten or so years of my life. I never believed in it, but I might by the time it ends.
Sometimes you just sink from the lack of energy, and stay at the bottom of the sea until people return. Sometimes people even die from it when it has been too long. I think this supports my idea that connection is drastically under appreciated in our society, not that you should connect to everyone, but to those that are healthy and good for you. There are so many opportunities that we miss because we are so far away from each other, so much happiness and energy lost because of ego, pride, insensitivity, and control. Everyone seems so scared to be close nowadays, so much so that it has spread to even me, connection's metaphorical arc angel.
I can't even tell if I want to be close to people any more because once they get close all they do is poke and stab out of fear, fear of someone else being able to see them for who they are. And so the people who are okay with people seeing themselves for who they are get hurt more, beaten and scarred from others running away. We get creamed emotionally, but we have something that they don't have, we have freedom. We may not always have hope, because it has been continually assaulted from fear, not our own mind you, but others fears of looking in the mirror. But we have freedom, and we will get hope back when we find another true surface dweller.
Now, bringing things in a circle, that last paragraph was the truth without faith in a loss of connection, which is true. The other side of it is that even if we truly believe in connection and fight for it above all other things, (because really there isn't anything else worth a damn) being without out it forces us to confront some of the worst things alone, inside and out, and become infinitely independent and strong. Once a few great battles are won without depending on others you no longer feel like you need others to get through, and the people who would hurt you lose power. No longer do you need them, no longer does their running away from themselves hurt. It still saddens me, but there are certain things that can no longer hurt, and many things that don't hurt as much. This is not to say all who break off good connections are afraid of seeing who they are, but it might be, I can't honestly tell. I'd like to think that if both people in a relationship were genuine that the connection could always survive, but its hard to tell sometimes.
Anyways, long story short; I am alive for connection, but losing it has made me less dependent on others, and therefore stronger. I just honestly wish I still had a reason for being alive now, not that I am suicidal, but more so that I am impressively bored without friends and loved ones. I understand how becoming independent from almost everything is a spiritual growth, and it helps me in my daily interactions, and it may even allow me to do what I love, and have love find me, but today is still today. I will never live for tomorrow, only yesterday, today, and tomorrow combined. The past, present, and future, but that is a topic for yet another blog.
One last note, this one is very important. Sometimes people will read into something I write, and they worry, these people are not writers. I do not mean to offend, but it is the truth. All writers know one thing, if a person is writing, they are content, at least for that emotion fuming, intense releasing, glorious few moments. When I am writing, it is one of the few times where I do not need connection to be happy, because I am in love. I write open and honest, uncensored, and if you can't handle it, maybe you should be more honest with yourself. Or hell, go read something else, and remember how you were afraid of seeing something in yourself that may have popped out when you read me. If I can make anyone do that, I would be very proud, because that would mean I am a damn good writer. Anyways, I wish you well in your connections, and out of them, please keep looking in the mirror and one day you will smile at yourself; it is a wonderful feeling.
Without it you can learn to be an island and not sink, even in the greatest of storms. Without it you have the possibility of developing an adamantine skin, the words of others bend when they try to penetrate your soul.
Faith takes on a different meaning, to me its almost that without it there is misery and doubt, and with it there is a persevering hope, but both seem just as truthful. It almost seems like a choice of how you want to live, and for me, I want to live the truth, so I take both sides of faith. I do not want to be happy for every moment of my existence if I am not happy, and the same with being sad, I only want to be me. Lack of connection is the most difficult thing I have learned to deal with over the last ten or so years of my life. I never believed in it, but I might by the time it ends.
Sometimes you just sink from the lack of energy, and stay at the bottom of the sea until people return. Sometimes people even die from it when it has been too long. I think this supports my idea that connection is drastically under appreciated in our society, not that you should connect to everyone, but to those that are healthy and good for you. There are so many opportunities that we miss because we are so far away from each other, so much happiness and energy lost because of ego, pride, insensitivity, and control. Everyone seems so scared to be close nowadays, so much so that it has spread to even me, connection's metaphorical arc angel.
I can't even tell if I want to be close to people any more because once they get close all they do is poke and stab out of fear, fear of someone else being able to see them for who they are. And so the people who are okay with people seeing themselves for who they are get hurt more, beaten and scarred from others running away. We get creamed emotionally, but we have something that they don't have, we have freedom. We may not always have hope, because it has been continually assaulted from fear, not our own mind you, but others fears of looking in the mirror. But we have freedom, and we will get hope back when we find another true surface dweller.
Now, bringing things in a circle, that last paragraph was the truth without faith in a loss of connection, which is true. The other side of it is that even if we truly believe in connection and fight for it above all other things, (because really there isn't anything else worth a damn) being without out it forces us to confront some of the worst things alone, inside and out, and become infinitely independent and strong. Once a few great battles are won without depending on others you no longer feel like you need others to get through, and the people who would hurt you lose power. No longer do you need them, no longer does their running away from themselves hurt. It still saddens me, but there are certain things that can no longer hurt, and many things that don't hurt as much. This is not to say all who break off good connections are afraid of seeing who they are, but it might be, I can't honestly tell. I'd like to think that if both people in a relationship were genuine that the connection could always survive, but its hard to tell sometimes.
Anyways, long story short; I am alive for connection, but losing it has made me less dependent on others, and therefore stronger. I just honestly wish I still had a reason for being alive now, not that I am suicidal, but more so that I am impressively bored without friends and loved ones. I understand how becoming independent from almost everything is a spiritual growth, and it helps me in my daily interactions, and it may even allow me to do what I love, and have love find me, but today is still today. I will never live for tomorrow, only yesterday, today, and tomorrow combined. The past, present, and future, but that is a topic for yet another blog.
One last note, this one is very important. Sometimes people will read into something I write, and they worry, these people are not writers. I do not mean to offend, but it is the truth. All writers know one thing, if a person is writing, they are content, at least for that emotion fuming, intense releasing, glorious few moments. When I am writing, it is one of the few times where I do not need connection to be happy, because I am in love. I write open and honest, uncensored, and if you can't handle it, maybe you should be more honest with yourself. Or hell, go read something else, and remember how you were afraid of seeing something in yourself that may have popped out when you read me. If I can make anyone do that, I would be very proud, because that would mean I am a damn good writer. Anyways, I wish you well in your connections, and out of them, please keep looking in the mirror and one day you will smile at yourself; it is a wonderful feeling.
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