Press Release

So the press release came out last week, check it izzout! (This isn't the exact release just a copy and paste but still, its neat.)

Painting Souls

By Benjamin Thomas Dudley

Painting Souls is the first book in a series of a new genre of fantasy. This revolutionary work reads like a movie, projecting visualizations at a rapid pace. It gives birth a new niche of literary writing teeming with unexplored life, a new way to read and imagine; there is nothing else like it.

Charlotte, NC -- 10/1/2009 - Ever since Benjamin was a child his imagination excited and mused the people around him. After starting his fantasy fiction epic at the age of twenty, he re-discovered old letters from his first grade classmates where they had assured him, due to his first adventure into fiction, that he would be a great writer someday. With the degree and thought of a philosopher and acquired literary skill, that day has come. Painting Souls delves from fantastical questions such as “How was magic created?” to real questions of character identity that people experience everyday.

Painting Souls was written to help in the continuing cultural evolution of being, and allow for an entertaining escape at the same time. It introduces live, detailed action sequences into the genre, while unraveling an intricate, meaningful tale. The first book of the series bleeds the pens of modern fantasy fiction and anime together to create a new literary world. Great heroes unravel cryptic philosophies and romances while exploring new depths of spirituality and magic.

“The God's-eye narrator is omniscient. The reader seems implicitly invited to imagine for herself the narrator's intended audience. Author Benjamin Dudley, it occurs to me, is capable of speaking at will in many voices and to different audiences.” Patrick Killough, a top reviewer for epinions.com

Painting Souls is available in select bookstores and online at www.PaintingSouls.net. For more information please contact Langdon Street Press.

Contact Information:

Langdon Street Press

212 3rd Ave. North Suite 570, Minneapolis, MN 55401

(612) 455-2293
www.PaintingSouls@gmail.com

I recieved specific compliments from the publishing house on how well it was written, so that made me feel great. The actual release has a picture and a link at the top, I would have imported it in but pictures are easy, pic/text combo's are still evasive to my importation understanding. It also turns out you need to submit your press release to many many outlets, and after the first one from Langdon Street Press, the others are up to yours truly.

I would have no problem with doing this if it weren't for the costs! Submitting to papers is free-ish, but to other mass media outlets it can fun you about a 100$ per submit, and I am currently broke, as I am about to move and recently ordered more books. I will eventually do it though, I just hope being a month behind of the release date doesn't hurt the publicity at all. Until next blog, hopefully sooner than the last -

Benjamin

P.S. This is the facebook fan page link if you would like to follow, there is a growing history there http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/Painting-Souls/134562675551

The Introduction

The introduction to this book is one of the few parts I consider to be perfect. It came very easy as well, as if I were the calm and collect wise author I aspire to be. I picture the person who wrote this to look like the old man on the cover of Chessmaster, and his voice that of a wizard. That's one neat thing about voice, it can be magical and real at the same time. "Tis in the heart of a child that lies the power to destroy all the world's evil. Only with the mind of a genuine man can this power become manifest." This first part means that only a genuine adult has the knowledge and skills to use power a child has to rid the world of evil.
"A genuine man must be self-made, otherwise he is but a whisper of his true self." This next line defines the qualifications of being genuine; you must make yourself, and you must be yourself as well, only then are you genuine. The extreme of this meaning can be interpreted as saying, only a man who is himself in every moment is truly genuine.
"Only a true hero dies with the heart of a child and the mind of a genuine man." The end of the first paragraph brings the first three concepts together. It is saying that if a person manages to be themselves in every moment, and also not loose the love, openness, and hope of a child (power of a child) that they have become a hero, and if they live that way until their death, they are a true hero. Thus, a true hero has the heart of a child and the mind of a genuine man, and the ability and knowledge to defeat all the world's evil.
This theme continues throughout the series, as conflicts for most of the characters show whether or not they are hero's or heroine's in moments, the majority of the time, or even if they turn out to be the true hero who rids the world of all evil.
The final paragraph introduces another recurring theme, the theme of making the reader a part of the novel. The idea of bringing the characters and the book into reality is one that I think is very important. It helps further engulf the person reading into the experience, and makes them bring fantastical elements into reality. This is why throughout the series it becomes more and more prevalent, and hopefully I will be able to make a few people enjoy their day to day experiences a bit more through imagination.

The future of the blog

I believe that this personal journalish blog is going to have to become its own entity, as this one is taken over by all happenings and followings of the book. I think mostly because people might falsely relate it to the novel, which is completely different from my lazy blogging. I like having no grammatical pressure on the blog, perhaps this one will become a professional one that I take a little more time with and it will connect to my other lazy bloggages.
I did one of the most painful things the other day, I read my own book. It was heart-wrenching, at first all I could see were mistakes; this doesn't flow well, the tense here is off, Ahhh!! I almost cried I was doubting myself soo much, but then, then I kept reading. I feel back in love with my dialogue; I think it and story will save me. The flaws I have as a writer I can see clearly, and I can work on, which is great. I have an amazingly creative mind, and once I master description and flow I believe I will be a great writer. In the meantime, I think the book will gain a cult following, it is one of a kind, and a killer first intro into the literary world. This will give me the energy and connection with people I need to dive back into the next one, which will be a threat to all contemporary fantasy writers.
Then I will proceed to the third book; the third book is gonna rock, I'm not going to lie to you. It's a pivotal point in both charactor's storylines, it is also where I am thinking of bringing back in the first two chapters of the first novel. This is where I will be at my best, and so will the story, this is where I have a chance at greatness. It is my dream to write something great that generations to come talk about, that people love, and that helps us evolve as beings. I dream that at this point in the series I will reach that level, and I hope you guys are with me, reading all the way. Even if that doesn't happen, just writing something that gets a few people into a new world and helps them through their day would be fantastic.
That's about as far as I have mapped out. So, now it's time to get back to promotions and such, and split the blog. I hope you dream as strong as I do, and that your wishes become even more true.

The Amazing Day

It doesn't take much for me to have a great day. I barely remembered that, and so many little things usually bother me I thought I had changed, but yesterday it all came back. Somehow, some cause of unknown origin just let me be. I was not in my head for the first time in years, and it was so easy. Everything was easy, even bad stuff, I just didn't care because I was sooo happy not to be in my head. I know that it is not a choice, I have been okay with being in my head, and learned to cope with it for so long I thought it was a permanent condition. Yesterday was the dawn of a new awakening, it could be from exercising, going veggitarian for a week, or the almost extinction of my smoking habit, but it was not from me. It could be from a food allergy lapse, perhaps I managed to stay away from whatever it was that has been driving me nuts for the last year, but it happened.
Now I can repeat what I have been doing and weed it out, and find out how to permanentely stay with my body. To feel like I am on the outside of my flesh, to feel the outside of my face instead of the inside of my head. This is the greatest gift for me, so simple and so necessary for living. I knew that there has been something wrong with me for so long, and now I am on top of it. I am not insecure when I am with myself, out of my head, and home. I never thought it would come back, but it's here to stay. People suffer for the silliest reasons, a lot of times they are thier own fault, many times not. I had been under the impression that it was me, that i was just not comfortable, and had to grow out of it, but now I know that it was something physical, I've always been fine with myself. This is an amazing relief.
Just in time to! My book is out! I got a new car, and check it, it's a Kia, which I was origianlly not wild about given their history. Now, they are actually pretty rockin cars, and I found out that the word Kia means "coming out into the world," just in time for the personal symbolism. I am coming out into the world, and this time I have the knowledge of an adult. I might get stuck back into my head, but I think this is for real. It is finally my time to shine, and I am excited to be again. Life is something I haven't been able to feel right for a while, but now that I can its pretty cool.
Later

My Dream

My dream has been becoming a reality now for about seven years. As we find out during the process of becoming adults our dreams don't sail over the sea of reality and take us away to a mystical land, but they kind of crash into the shore. I had no idea how long or difficult it would be to publish a book, and I still don't know how hard it is to make a living off of being a writer.
I do know that it is almost impossible to make a living being a server and a delivery driver while trying to publish a novel, and I am glad that this stage is over. This new stage is where the excitement happens, it's where I have worked my ass off and all possibilities finally have there chance. I don't have an excessive amount of money to push my dream, but I do have an excessive amount of determination to pull it.
I had challenged my roommates to a novel writing contest whilst watching the first Harry Potter movie. It was that night that I wrote the first line of my book, and I knew at that moment I was going to have to finish it. My other roomies declined the contest, unfortunately; they would have written great novels.(well at least good ones) From that day on, it came every time I had a free moment. It came and defied my chronic fatigue, my loneliness, it came with something that I hadn't had in a long time, it came with love.
For three years I went back and forth with my friend Rachel, who was just learning to be an editor, and we taught each other how to do our jobs. She helped me edit it face to face, about three chapters at a time, and my skill improved so that I could put talent and creativity together. I loved having someone to talk to face to face as I wrote the next chapter, someone who couldn't wait to know what happens next, that, more than anything helped give me energy to write.
So then I graduated and moved to Asheville, ready to start sending off manuscripts. I assumed that it would be arduous, and that eventually I would get a small or mid-sized publisher to pick me up. Little did I know how rare this was becoming. Between small publishers being bought out left and right, and the internet changing the world of books, getting published as a first time fantasy author was next to impossible. I sent out over a hundred manuscripts about ten at a time, waited about two months and then sent the next ten, ect. Then there was also sending manuscripts out on the web, which accounted for about another hundred manuscripts. From the forty percent of publishers I actually heard back from, about half were automated letters. The other half were very encouraging, but no real bites. This was horribly disheartening. Every week there were a handful of letters rejecting my dream, after a while it wore me down.
I finally heard back from a publisher who was interested in publishing my book, I went back and forth with them for a while, but in the end they wanted to change too much, including the title. This was when I realized the harsh reality, I was going to have to self-publish. The illusion of instantly "making it" had died, but at least the manuscript struggle was over with. Research began, analyzing publishers, cost per book and quality of the print, what kinds of promotions they offered, ect.
So then I signed with a self-publisher. Let me warn you three people reading this, it is expensive!!! I wish I had known earlier how much it was going to cost so that I could have spent more time getting a well paying job and saved up cash instead of sending off manuscripts and then expecting the self-publish process to go fast. It took about one and a half years, for everything, and only three or so months was me not having enough dough, most of it was editing (a second time) and setting up the small nuances that everyone who has never worked on a book takes for granted. The table of contents, the chapter styles, pictures, cover art, back cover, page numbering (which can be tricky apparently) page inflection, cover textuuuuuure, and many other things I cannot recall.
This almost catches me up. The only thing left is the promo, well I shouldn't say only. The deadly, fire-breathing, three-headed dragon that remains guarding the gold riches that is the ability to subsist being a writer, remains. It is not what most artist would consider their trade, advertisement to them has typically been the enemy. Now, there are plenty of ways to advertise a book, but which ones will work is the question. Well, which ones will work and won't bankrupt me in case they don't work. I came up with a few low cost ideas myself, including the email campaign, which may be working or might not be... it seems like it might be a little less successful than I had hoped, but tis okay. It seems that book buying is one art that people always want to be face to face with. Online book buying is painful, you can't hold it in your hands and feel its selected texture, or flip around the cream pages and here that perfect sound. I could be wrong though, maybe it will be successful, but it is only one of about five things of personal low-cost promo that I will do.
Other than that there is the internet push, which you must rely on hits to work, and trust the program you order is worth the ridiculous price you are paying for it. I am testing the waters of this and talking to other authors about its success. I have ordered one of the minor plans, so we shall see how interworthy the book is. Then there are the typical pushes, very very tough for a self-published person in many ways. There is the radio, expensive to get on and almost impossible to land. There are print reviews, which I hope to get at least in the indie papers of Charlotte, Asheville, and Raleigh, but more than that is going to be very tough. There are book shows, which I have acquired a knight's costume for, but they will be slightly expensive and tedious, not to mention getting off work and driving to them. Then there are book clubs, very hard to contact usually, but I think I have a way, and I am going to hit them up as best I can.
That's pretty much the description of the three-headed dragon that which breathes fire. It is impossible; not literally, it is just a reference to a samuari jack episode, my favorite samjack sode. It is about this seemingly impossibly difficult mountain that truth lies at the top of, and Jack tries to get to the top. I keep going back to it to motivate myself to get to the top of the mountain, even if it seems impossible.
So, with that said, any ideas or help is always appreciated, but I climb this mountain alone. We shall see if I get to the top, hopefully in this lifetime because this series is gonna be killer. That, and I have to do what I love to keep from driving myself in in in sane sane. Either way I will write, I just hope I can again soon. This break is drying me up! So, god speed promo!!

relieved

Relieved

Yesterday was a very bad day, not necessarily bad on its own, but in collaboration with the last week, month, year, and decade, quite atrocious. It was a day of painful recognitions. The realization that all my recent hopes have always died right after they were birthed, that enjoying hope was not possible, because I am inevitably let down and denied the celebration of success. I don’t believe in not getting my hopes up, its part of whom I am, but yet my life seems to be trying to direct me to a new way of understanding hope, all beget emotion in general. I must learn to turn it off, even hope, which I do not understand. I do not accept nor understand the learning process of neglecting hope, the most amazing of things, in order to not be let down so hard. If I am to be more careful of hope, how do I tell when to exercise it? If I wait until it is safe to hope, after the situation has resolved, then I have lost the chance to hope to begin with. So I say to this new continual disappointment that has lasted for years, I disagree. I call horseshit, and I use my standing up for myself card, which was recently acquired, to enforce my decision.
I do feel strange hoping now though, like I know it is a bad idea, for some reason there is no hope here. There is only faith; a kind of long distance hope that requires you to keep it even if it lets you down once in a while, even if it only comes true once in a while, because by definition it is something that you have to create even when there is no evidence of it. I used to think it was something that you had to believe in without evidence, but now I know it is something that you have to create as well. Faith is a persevering hope, which brings me back to my first paragraph.
As I look out from a bird’s eye, I understand why my hopes aren’t succeeding, and only my faith is. I am creating my faith at a time when there is no hope, partially because that is one of the only times when one can create something beyond hope. Only when you feel you have nothing, can you create faith; otherwise you are just believing in what is already there. Growing up and living slower seems to be a bi-product of this lesson, I hope it isn’t for me in a way, because I don’t want to forget hope, and being really emotional and alive, I just want to learn to live slow and fast, and what time is the right time for each. That and I wish the process was more fun, and less horrible, but I can’t think of a way for that to be with the way you have to learn faith.
The problem with this for me is that I am becoming afraid of spirituality. It seems that spiritual growth is all pain and suffering, and not really worth it. I’d much rather just accept who I am, live life not growing anymore, and be close to people. Much more than venturing out on my own on some forced spiritual conquest that will leave me “better as a person.” The truth is, I like who I am now, and I think that this loneliness is making me a stronger person, but less happy. I don’t want to be someone so cold and independent, just because everyone else hurts the people around them and I don’t think I should have to be.
I apologize for the bi-polar nature of this piece, but I also like it that way a bit. It expands on why I need to step away from emotions, but at the same time why I need to keep them. I feel that it is so hard for me to tell if the direction of my life, as far as connections are concerned, is due to myself, or others. I feel in my heart that it is others, and that I have always valued and excelled brilliantly in my relationships with friends and loved ones. So I just don’t know what to do when there is no way for me to have a single deep connection in my life, I think I have created this false struggle of learning to stand completely on my own and create faith just because I am so frustrated at the way others neglect the most valuable of connections. The thing in life I value the most, the only thing we keep beside ourselves after we pass on is abused, forgotten, and left for dead. Most of the time it is left for sick, disgusting reasons; egocentrism, fear, selfishness, and material possessions.
I simply don’t believe how cold and lost some can be. We are brothers and sisters, yet we leave each other to drown. Why can’t we explore each other a bit? What happened to best friends? What happened to having someone you could tell everything to? I never gave up on it, even after losing it many times, because I am a spiritual being, not an island.
These complications rack my mind, because I am now stuck standing up for myself on my own, and learning to be even more careful in my friendships, which leaves me no close friends at all. Not dissing the distant homies, I mean ones here. Its tough to be myself when the thing I value the most is the thing I must learn to be away from when I don’t believe that it is healthy to be away from it. Experiencing life alone, I just don’t feel very much at all, in fact I feel dead. I don’t consider it life, only when balanced is it life. When I have a best friend, or loving relationship, all the sudden my alone time blossoms. I am happy to be apart from everyone, and into myself for a while. But, when I have nobody to do anything with, my alone time is trying. It is all the time, and it is out of balance. This is why, for me, I disagree. This balance is killing me, making me stronger, yes, but taking away something irreplaceable. Taking away my life to make me stronger is no grand gesture, is it necessary to allow me to be able to cut off anyone who abuses me? No. I could do that before, but it is giving me the power for something greater, something of which I do not fully understand.
And so, with these ten opinions of the same subject I have in my head, I leave you to comment, and as a sum total, I still call horseshit.

P.S. value your connections enough to fight for them and with them, and always empathize with the other and yourself

Standing Up

Standing up for yourself is a very tough balance for me. I can't let my emotions take control, but I still have to get my point across. I have to respect the other person's opinion and circumstance, but they have to respect mine, they HAVE to respect mine that's what I need to remind myself. I often times get too caught up in empathy and respecting others situations to have time to remember my own. This can lead to overcompensating, A.K.A. karate chopping a metal shelf, and almost breaking my hand. It can also cause you to lash out at someone else if you don't stand up to the right person at the right time, but luckily I'm pretty clear of that vice.
I never realized that this is something that must be done in every conversation, because there are power whores everywhere. Historically I had just avoided these types of people, but they are still out there, and they need to be put in their place. The good news is, I'm fed up with their shit, and I'm not taking any more. So much of the fear I have felt in my life is from being hurt by others words, and this new realization puts an instant end to that. It's a cut off from the deep parts of me, which I never wanted to do, I always wanted to be completely open to everyone, but it's too much work for empathizing with a bunch of assholes.
That and it makes the people I choose to empathize with that much more respected and powerful, and takes away from jerks. I'm not going to bother feeling something that a low-life says to me, and I like that. I've never known how to do this before, I was never taught, but letting in the bad never makes any sense. I love people, I realize the reasons we are so horrible to one another sometimes is because our lives are often times a struggle, so we fight to survive. The only way to clean our culture of this sickness is to starve it to death, and I never fed it, but it eats me, so I'm not being the food anymore.
Right now that part of my life is rewarding, but there is a part I am stuck with, that I don't know what to do with. It involves a relationship that I don't know how to stand up for myself in, one that my friend walked away from. How do I stand up for myself to someone who isn't talking to me? It's like someone just dropped me, and then ran away from ever having to think about me again, how do I get closure from that? It's a toughie. I can't get angry, or yell, I can't send a nasty petty note, I can't let them know how I feel, and that they are killing me, the very best parts of me. I never ask for much from a friend, but I do ask that they be a friend, and just talk to me. Don't excuse away a relationship until it is dead because you are afraid; that is the fear written about over and over again that kills so many beautiful things.
I could never relate to people who do this, just toss a person aside and forget about them so they can live in their bubble. It's not like that person actually went away, and there is all this unsaid mush in the back of their brain that has got to be eating at them. I feel bad for that, because it is a type of denial that leads to a breakdown. That and it hurts both the both of you, for no reason other than someone is afraid of having a tough conversation. I have always had those tough conversations, and I am free because of it. Don't loose a great thing just because it is hard to keep for a little while.
The truth is, standing up for myself in this situation was exceptionally difficult because there was a good reason for distance. Now this distance has become too vast, and there are no reasons left, just the feeling like I have been duped. Like I was lied to, and forgotten about. I tried all that I knew to do to stand up for myself while respecting my friends life and feelings, but she never tried for me. Not a single call, not a note that wasn't a response, and not a single cup of coffee, just a drop and a unfulfilled promise to be a friend again. Unfortunately, I don't think there is much time, or space for her to be a friend again. Its been too long, and I've been too strong, if there was anything to do to change this I would, but like I said, I've tried everything, and even nothing wasn't enough. This is me standing up for myself, and these few days are her last chance to show me that she is a friend. Based on history, I doubt we will survive, based on a specific person, we still have a tough shot. After that, I will be listening to my favorite Ani song, and moving on. I always thought that you were different, but you always wanted to be the same. Benjamin

Closeness

Connection is a strange and powerful thing, how close you are to someone can both hurt and help you at the same time. It can give you the strength to go on when there is nothing left, a light in absolute darkness, but also it can hold you back from taking chances you need to grow. Without out it, there is just you; and that is scary. It is also a relief, an unbelievable relief, no one to let you down, hurt you, tell you who to be, judge you, no one; all there is is you.
Without it you can learn to be an island and not sink, even in the greatest of storms. Without it you have the possibility of developing an adamantine skin, the words of others bend when they try to penetrate your soul.
Faith takes on a different meaning, to me its almost that without it there is misery and doubt, and with it there is a persevering hope, but both seem just as truthful. It almost seems like a choice of how you want to live, and for me, I want to live the truth, so I take both sides of faith. I do not want to be happy for every moment of my existence if I am not happy, and the same with being sad, I only want to be me. Lack of connection is the most difficult thing I have learned to deal with over the last ten or so years of my life. I never believed in it, but I might by the time it ends.
Sometimes you just sink from the lack of energy, and stay at the bottom of the sea until people return. Sometimes people even die from it when it has been too long. I think this supports my idea that connection is drastically under appreciated in our society, not that you should connect to everyone, but to those that are healthy and good for you. There are so many opportunities that we miss because we are so far away from each other, so much happiness and energy lost because of ego, pride, insensitivity, and control. Everyone seems so scared to be close nowadays, so much so that it has spread to even me, connection's metaphorical arc angel.
I can't even tell if I want to be close to people any more because once they get close all they do is poke and stab out of fear, fear of someone else being able to see them for who they are. And so the people who are okay with people seeing themselves for who they are get hurt more, beaten and scarred from others running away. We get creamed emotionally, but we have something that they don't have, we have freedom. We may not always have hope, because it has been continually assaulted from fear, not our own mind you, but others fears of looking in the mirror. But we have freedom, and we will get hope back when we find another true surface dweller.

Now, bringing things in a circle, that last paragraph was the truth without faith in a loss of connection, which is true. The other side of it is that even if we truly believe in connection and fight for it above all other things, (because really there isn't anything else worth a damn) being without out it forces us to confront some of the worst things alone, inside and out, and become infinitely independent and strong. Once a few great battles are won without depending on others you no longer feel like you need others to get through, and the people who would hurt you lose power. No longer do you need them, no longer does their running away from themselves hurt. It still saddens me, but there are certain things that can no longer hurt, and many things that don't hurt as much. This is not to say all who break off good connections are afraid of seeing who they are, but it might be, I can't honestly tell. I'd like to think that if both people in a relationship were genuine that the connection could always survive, but its hard to tell sometimes.

Anyways, long story short; I am alive for connection, but losing it has made me less dependent on others, and therefore stronger. I just honestly wish I still had a reason for being alive now, not that I am suicidal, but more so that I am impressively bored without friends and loved ones. I understand how becoming independent from almost everything is a spiritual growth, and it helps me in my daily interactions, and it may even allow me to do what I love, and have love find me, but today is still today. I will never live for tomorrow, only yesterday, today, and tomorrow combined. The past, present, and future, but that is a topic for yet another blog.

One last note, this one is very important. Sometimes people will read into something I write, and they worry, these people are not writers. I do not mean to offend, but it is the truth. All writers know one thing, if a person is writing, they are content, at least for that emotion fuming, intense releasing, glorious few moments. When I am writing, it is one of the few times where I do not need connection to be happy, because I am in love. I write open and honest, uncensored, and if you can't handle it, maybe you should be more honest with yourself. Or hell, go read something else, and remember how you were afraid of seeing something in yourself that may have popped out when you read me. If I can make anyone do that, I would be very proud, because that would mean I am a damn good writer. Anyways, I wish you well in your connections, and out of them, please keep looking in the mirror and one day you will smile at yourself; it is a wonderful feeling.

Different Strokes

So I played tennis the other day, I"m getting back into it. I played with a group of about 16 that were completely different from the first group of 16 I had played with the prior week, one of the interesting consequences of the modern internet meet-up phenomena. All of these new people were very pleasant and engaging, it was like speed dating for tennis playing. We would play doubles for a set and then move on to the next group. I ponder the positive spiritual outcome of such interactions, with all of these souls swimming through different streams so quickly, finding who you bond with is becoming efficient.
Let's face it, even if you believe that the connections you truly need will be given to you, when you are around rivers of people you make more friends and have the opportunity to date more. Soon, the positive of the school group, the energy and life, will come into our professional life. We will have big social circles in our adult life again, ones that have been fading since before I was born. This is exciting, we have a massive network that allows us to hang out with large groups of people we bond with; I can't wait until it takes off. Or, I should say I can't wait until we have gained a little altitude, because we are certainly at least near the end of the runway.
Aside from this phenomenon, I was amazed at the personality of everyone's tennis stroke. After playing with 32 people, not one was nearly the same. There was the heavy hitter(me), or as I was declared last match, the "loose cannon," a label that I found amusing for historical reasons. There was a man I deemed the "spin master," who was only good at one thing, but when he cast his spell on the ball I had about .5 seconds to guess which way it was going when it hit the court or it was gone. There was the form individual, who barely hit the ball with any effort but somehow it would come back at bizarre speeds catching me off guard, the net player, Mr. Let, as his serves always hit the tip of the net, and the two poor individuals I nailed with my serve. One of which was my first of the match, which I suppose this is where my nick-name originated.
Anyways, I found it infinitely curious, no matter what you train to play there is hardly ever going to be someone you have prepared for in every capacity. Everyone is so different, and there are so many little things that you have to learn about them in order to know how to play them. Just like ourselves, some I get the first game, most it takes time for me to feel comfortable. One good thing about being me is that I can win against anyone, and I can loose against anyone, this keeps me on my toes. It also makes me appreciate losing, I have always liked the challenge of a good loss, because you better bet I'll play until I win. These different strokes make things so interesting though, and allow me to keep learning new and different ways to play and win the game. I imagine someone once said, that if you just enjoy playing the game, then you've already won.

For Myself

When I started this blog I thought I was just going to make little observations about small neat things in life that might relieve some stress of people who read it. I will do that a lot, hopefully soon, but recently this blog has been for me. It is my way of expressing my feelings to a world that I am not connected to and every time I try to connect to it, I get kicked out. Its one of the few areas where I have a voice that like maybe 4 people listen to partially lol, but a voice none the less.
I am in an area in my life that requires a strange kind of faith, one that I have come to trust and doubt only when I am not myself. It is feeling, that very core feeling that you have between a person that tells you if that person is good for you. I have to have faith in this feeling for many reasons. First, its always right, and I need to be me. Second, to not be angry or frustrated at someone just because things aren't going my way, and to show I trust them. Third, and this is really important; llama pants, and I don't say that lightly. Fourth, because there are sometimes mountains of time you must cross without talking to someone to get to the sea, and in the meantime you are not going to make it if you can't feel beyond those seemingly impassible peaks, feel.
I can feel beyond those peaks, but god help me I can't see. In my personal life and professionally, it is impossible. So that is why I have to have faith; to make it to the sea. At the sea it is so beautiful, just the anticipation alone fills my heart with joy; I know it is there, because I can feel it. On a larger scale, i feel all of humanity is still crossing impassible peaks, as we have obviously not made it to the ocean yet. When we do the Skeptics and Rapturists are finally going to realize what we've been talking about this whole time.
I implore you to trust that feeling that tells you you will make it to the sea, the more of us that have the perseverance to make it to the sea, the closer humanity gets to the ocean.
I send love and streams along the way-

Frustration

Many things that boggle my mind about faith and life are those that you can't change for any spiritually valuable reason. Something that is forcefully holding you back or down, without rational purpose or meaning, it is in fact a lack of meaning. These things have helped me develop my peculiar individualized stance on faith and the human experience.
My example here is my stomach/blood sugar problem that causes me pointless misery everyday for hours, for no good reason. It has stolen countless hours of my life, and makes me insecure not from any lack of personal strength, but from a purely physical lack of blood flow. I can't function, concentrate, or remember, and I question all of those things that I normally am confident of in myself, because I am what I believe to be low on blood sugar. Then, all of the sudden, a few hours after digestion, I return! Confident and beautiful, clever, wise, and funny. No mental change manifested this, there is no mind over matter here, but only something purely physical bewitching me! I use the term bewitch for some sort of comedic irony. I can do nothing about this problem, at least for the moment, and it keeps me from being myself and growing a lot of times. I would elaborate further, but I am so sick of talking about this problem that it wouldn't be any fun to read about.
So, what does something like this make me believe? It makes me have faith not in God, but in us. I am a true humanist, except this includes animals too, lol. We have things that cause us so much pain that they make no sense, because the universe is not a perfect plan, it is quite random, in fact. We as spiritual beings, we as humans, have been trying to make this existence less painful, we are attempting to get rid of the pointless pain that keeps us from growing forward. That is what this pain means to me, it means that we are god, and we have to make the difference. I don't mean that pompously, but literally.
This supports my very understanding of the meaning of life. It leads me to believe that God, or Energy as I call it, which is actually a just as endearing, infinite, and beautiful term is not conscious. Energy is not conscious, only when it interacts with matter quite thoroughly does it attain some level of consciousness, and that my friends is us. This pointless pain doesn't mean that life is absurd by any means, but instead that life creates its own meaning. Life must stop these absurdities, and it is doing so, first slowly and now quickly.
Often times absurd pain tends to create an attitude of nihilism. This is ridiculous to me, because it completely denies the meaning of the human spirit, and assumes that if energy is not conscious then things are pointless. Things are of the up most meaning in this place, and if they aren't we are working to change that, there are people working to help me with my absurd pain, and create something meaningful out of it, so that we can grow, and just be, living at peace with conscious meaningful interaction. This does happen once in a while, until the absurdity comes along. Do me a favor, don't be the absurd, be the meaning. We are the most powerful beings in the known universe, use this strength wisely.

Growth

Growth is one of the most painful things known to mankind. It is tedious, evasive, and required to get where you want to be. I always jump into it with excitement, and try to hastily swim to the other side. Consequently, I end up in the middle of the lake of growth, exhausted and screaming "HELP!" Where there are usually not very many people, and it takes the lifeguard a while to make it out there.
He comes out there and lets me take the float for a few days, and then leaves me with the advice "Take it slow out there, otherwise you will drown," and I nod my head in understanding. You have to change the very foundations of your being a lot of times, just to grow. This takes time, you can't build structure without foundation, because it will inevitably sink. A lot of the bad habits of you are subconscious, and you have to bring them into consciousness again, and again, correcting them each time until the change becomes conscious. This physically hurts, its hard as hell, takes forever, and your subconscious will do crazy things to protect itself; hence, painful, tedious, and evasive.
This doesn't mean it's not worth it; growth is one of the few things that you know will always be worth it. The sense of accomplishment afterwords is joyful, meaningful, and inspiring. This perseverance is seen by everyone around you, and literally changes the course of your life. Don't let frustrating events sidetrack you from appreciation of this magnificent achievement. You are ready to face the world anew.

I am attempting a few growths at once right now, at one point in time I believe that they metastasized and spread throughout my entire structure, causing it to crumble to the ground. Luckily I still had a tent from the last time this happened, so I wasn't left completely homeless. (I know, too much, so what? Call the fucking metaphor police! If they show up at my door I'll tell them the trees are already burnt and i can't find the forest) This was only a brief collapse, it not being the first one it was a little easier. I suppose if you build a foundation for a foundation you don't have to rebuild the bottom one. All it is is like some sheet rock, I mean that stuff last forever. If you're not confused at this point in my description, I applaud you.
Anyways, so I changed my physical foundation, A.K.A. my diet. Who had any idea how big of a pain in the ass that would be? All of your cravings that guide you, all of your warm comforting food habits, gone. I kept like three; decaf coffee, bread bowls, and sushi, but I might have to get rid of bread bowls!! The nutrition change messed my body up for a while, it kinda goes ape shit when you stop giving it everything that it is used to, and try out all this new food.
The other growths were more professional, and a slight personal one. The slight personal one I was like 9/10 the way there, I just needed to know it was indeed the right place to be, or right person to be, I could say. The professional ones, man they were boring, so I will save anyone who actually made it this far the pain of reading about them, and simply say that one of them is this blog. Manifested growth right before your very eyes! But they are still in baby stages, poking their heads above the soil and crying out for Light!
I hope you swim across the lake at your own pace, and don't mind if others pass you, you might find that you have to help them from drowning.

A New Home

Finding a new home is never easy, in fact it is next to impossible. You would think that from impossible's doorstep you could see your new home, but impossible has a big yard. In fact, impossible has infinity acres. Not only does it have infinity acres, but there is no map for impossible and she/he is never home. You get lost at impossible's doorstep, and lost quite frankly, lost is a lame friend. He is always hanging out at impossible's doorstep, just waiting for you to come by so he can filch off of your emotions. Best to just stay away from impossible all together, although the infinity acres to come and go as you please is there, nothing really happens except getting lost. Although they do say sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself, which can be true, lost can help you find that. He can sometimes take you to self creation's doorstep and tell you to begin again, and once you start lost hitchhikes back to impossible, because there is always someone going to impossible.
What was I talking about again? Ah, yes. The search for a new home, anyways, impossible to find directly from impossibles. You definitely have to come from self-creations doorstep, because a new home has to be built. I found a place to start building mine today, it seemed unfriendly at first, but that's because I was carrying around lost, and nobody really likes that guy. Let's face it, he is that guy who shows up at the party that everyone would wish leaves, and if he came with you they are going to blame you, even though sometimes its not your fault. I dropped lost off a few days ago, so when i walked into what i assumed would be an un-friendly place, it was not. They were like oh this guy again, he probably brought lost, wait a sec... Nope, he's alone and seems to be fine with that, interesting. Thus I was handed a shovel, and told to start digging, Gemini I suggest you start digging! Sorry sounded like a horror scope for a second, I kid because I love. I was very happy to recieve a shovel, and now I will begin laying my foundation as far away from impossible's house as possible.

Friendship a True

It always sucks when you loose a friend because of lies, but what is really a heart breaker is when you loose someone because of the truth. It's not that one of you was not genuine, or they slept with your ex and didn't tell you, or you find out they were trying to use you, but instead its something that neither one of you can do anything about.
It is like fate walked up to both of you, and said "Nope, I am sorry you are having waaay too much fun, and you have to stop," and then proceeded to kick you in the balls. "I'm sorry, this is just the way it is," fate said, honestly, which i must admit, hurt me and fate's friendship just as much. In fact, i am still waiting for a call and a sincere apology followed by a great night before I consider letting fate on my good side again.
The only positive thing about genuinely having to distance yourself from a friend, is that there is a sense of peace and understanding. No one did anything wrong, so there is no guilt. Melancholy, yes; guilt, no. Which is why fate should be feeling quite guilty right now, but neither me or my former companion of coffee places and parks is. In fact we are fine fate! You however must be stricken with guilt!!
Seriously though, afterwords the powers that be seem to leave an air of hope, a new start, to those who were genuinely true friends. This is what makes it worth it, these small rewards for great deeds that only those involved can see. So if you loose a friend a true, don't fret for long, because you will find a friend a new.

Cleansing

Have you ever noticed that the rain generally comes after you have let something go, or been through a huge mess of life-tastic drama? Its like finally this great weight has lifted, and now the rain must come to wash it away. I can feel it in my mind, cleaning the little neurotransmitters and getting the gunk out from behind their ears. I really do wish they would listen to each other better, sometimes it is like they are just playing catch with my serotonin.
But rain is a very nice feeling; a flood of washing away old stresses and anxiety. During the process I find that i cannot do anything new. The want to stay inside and do nothing on a rainy day is no only because its gloomy, but because there is a physical and spiritual cleanse going on. I feel like i can't do new things because they just get washed away in the stream of my thoughts. Like right now, I feel like i can't write very well at all! I thought that I should try and express this idea though, before the dam before it breaks and it too is numbed and scrubbed.

In the middle of everything

So, it seems like not only myself, but everything is stuck. There is some world-wide spiritual gear that has lost all of its bearings and is whirling around at an impressive speed of pointless proportions. I suppose 3900 rpm's, because time really does own rpm if you think about it. I propose this gear is stuck on purpose, because if it is spiritual, purpose is always involved. This means we need to re-organize, re-calibrate, and re-think our lives, our lives, and the systems in place.
This way we can get closer to where we are supposed to be as beings, and Beings. That's right, tossing in some Heidegger. Luckily, the timing of this spiritual gear is infinitely perfect, and we happen to be in an era of change. What better time to re-organize and change when we have elected it; this means we are ready. We voted it, now we are acting it out, not just in a political sense, but a general mentality of our people. In the meantime we are stuck, but we are stuck for a good reason. Things couldn't keep going the way they were, the spiritual machine would have broken down, but eventually we will learn to operate without that bare gear that our ancestors relied upon, eventually, we won't need a gear at all.