Standing Up

Standing up for yourself is a very tough balance for me. I can't let my emotions take control, but I still have to get my point across. I have to respect the other person's opinion and circumstance, but they have to respect mine, they HAVE to respect mine that's what I need to remind myself. I often times get too caught up in empathy and respecting others situations to have time to remember my own. This can lead to overcompensating, A.K.A. karate chopping a metal shelf, and almost breaking my hand. It can also cause you to lash out at someone else if you don't stand up to the right person at the right time, but luckily I'm pretty clear of that vice.
I never realized that this is something that must be done in every conversation, because there are power whores everywhere. Historically I had just avoided these types of people, but they are still out there, and they need to be put in their place. The good news is, I'm fed up with their shit, and I'm not taking any more. So much of the fear I have felt in my life is from being hurt by others words, and this new realization puts an instant end to that. It's a cut off from the deep parts of me, which I never wanted to do, I always wanted to be completely open to everyone, but it's too much work for empathizing with a bunch of assholes.
That and it makes the people I choose to empathize with that much more respected and powerful, and takes away from jerks. I'm not going to bother feeling something that a low-life says to me, and I like that. I've never known how to do this before, I was never taught, but letting in the bad never makes any sense. I love people, I realize the reasons we are so horrible to one another sometimes is because our lives are often times a struggle, so we fight to survive. The only way to clean our culture of this sickness is to starve it to death, and I never fed it, but it eats me, so I'm not being the food anymore.
Right now that part of my life is rewarding, but there is a part I am stuck with, that I don't know what to do with. It involves a relationship that I don't know how to stand up for myself in, one that my friend walked away from. How do I stand up for myself to someone who isn't talking to me? It's like someone just dropped me, and then ran away from ever having to think about me again, how do I get closure from that? It's a toughie. I can't get angry, or yell, I can't send a nasty petty note, I can't let them know how I feel, and that they are killing me, the very best parts of me. I never ask for much from a friend, but I do ask that they be a friend, and just talk to me. Don't excuse away a relationship until it is dead because you are afraid; that is the fear written about over and over again that kills so many beautiful things.
I could never relate to people who do this, just toss a person aside and forget about them so they can live in their bubble. It's not like that person actually went away, and there is all this unsaid mush in the back of their brain that has got to be eating at them. I feel bad for that, because it is a type of denial that leads to a breakdown. That and it hurts both the both of you, for no reason other than someone is afraid of having a tough conversation. I have always had those tough conversations, and I am free because of it. Don't loose a great thing just because it is hard to keep for a little while.
The truth is, standing up for myself in this situation was exceptionally difficult because there was a good reason for distance. Now this distance has become too vast, and there are no reasons left, just the feeling like I have been duped. Like I was lied to, and forgotten about. I tried all that I knew to do to stand up for myself while respecting my friends life and feelings, but she never tried for me. Not a single call, not a note that wasn't a response, and not a single cup of coffee, just a drop and a unfulfilled promise to be a friend again. Unfortunately, I don't think there is much time, or space for her to be a friend again. Its been too long, and I've been too strong, if there was anything to do to change this I would, but like I said, I've tried everything, and even nothing wasn't enough. This is me standing up for myself, and these few days are her last chance to show me that she is a friend. Based on history, I doubt we will survive, based on a specific person, we still have a tough shot. After that, I will be listening to my favorite Ani song, and moving on. I always thought that you were different, but you always wanted to be the same. Benjamin