Closeness

Connection is a strange and powerful thing, how close you are to someone can both hurt and help you at the same time. It can give you the strength to go on when there is nothing left, a light in absolute darkness, but also it can hold you back from taking chances you need to grow. Without out it, there is just you; and that is scary. It is also a relief, an unbelievable relief, no one to let you down, hurt you, tell you who to be, judge you, no one; all there is is you.
Without it you can learn to be an island and not sink, even in the greatest of storms. Without it you have the possibility of developing an adamantine skin, the words of others bend when they try to penetrate your soul.
Faith takes on a different meaning, to me its almost that without it there is misery and doubt, and with it there is a persevering hope, but both seem just as truthful. It almost seems like a choice of how you want to live, and for me, I want to live the truth, so I take both sides of faith. I do not want to be happy for every moment of my existence if I am not happy, and the same with being sad, I only want to be me. Lack of connection is the most difficult thing I have learned to deal with over the last ten or so years of my life. I never believed in it, but I might by the time it ends.
Sometimes you just sink from the lack of energy, and stay at the bottom of the sea until people return. Sometimes people even die from it when it has been too long. I think this supports my idea that connection is drastically under appreciated in our society, not that you should connect to everyone, but to those that are healthy and good for you. There are so many opportunities that we miss because we are so far away from each other, so much happiness and energy lost because of ego, pride, insensitivity, and control. Everyone seems so scared to be close nowadays, so much so that it has spread to even me, connection's metaphorical arc angel.
I can't even tell if I want to be close to people any more because once they get close all they do is poke and stab out of fear, fear of someone else being able to see them for who they are. And so the people who are okay with people seeing themselves for who they are get hurt more, beaten and scarred from others running away. We get creamed emotionally, but we have something that they don't have, we have freedom. We may not always have hope, because it has been continually assaulted from fear, not our own mind you, but others fears of looking in the mirror. But we have freedom, and we will get hope back when we find another true surface dweller.

Now, bringing things in a circle, that last paragraph was the truth without faith in a loss of connection, which is true. The other side of it is that even if we truly believe in connection and fight for it above all other things, (because really there isn't anything else worth a damn) being without out it forces us to confront some of the worst things alone, inside and out, and become infinitely independent and strong. Once a few great battles are won without depending on others you no longer feel like you need others to get through, and the people who would hurt you lose power. No longer do you need them, no longer does their running away from themselves hurt. It still saddens me, but there are certain things that can no longer hurt, and many things that don't hurt as much. This is not to say all who break off good connections are afraid of seeing who they are, but it might be, I can't honestly tell. I'd like to think that if both people in a relationship were genuine that the connection could always survive, but its hard to tell sometimes.

Anyways, long story short; I am alive for connection, but losing it has made me less dependent on others, and therefore stronger. I just honestly wish I still had a reason for being alive now, not that I am suicidal, but more so that I am impressively bored without friends and loved ones. I understand how becoming independent from almost everything is a spiritual growth, and it helps me in my daily interactions, and it may even allow me to do what I love, and have love find me, but today is still today. I will never live for tomorrow, only yesterday, today, and tomorrow combined. The past, present, and future, but that is a topic for yet another blog.

One last note, this one is very important. Sometimes people will read into something I write, and they worry, these people are not writers. I do not mean to offend, but it is the truth. All writers know one thing, if a person is writing, they are content, at least for that emotion fuming, intense releasing, glorious few moments. When I am writing, it is one of the few times where I do not need connection to be happy, because I am in love. I write open and honest, uncensored, and if you can't handle it, maybe you should be more honest with yourself. Or hell, go read something else, and remember how you were afraid of seeing something in yourself that may have popped out when you read me. If I can make anyone do that, I would be very proud, because that would mean I am a damn good writer. Anyways, I wish you well in your connections, and out of them, please keep looking in the mirror and one day you will smile at yourself; it is a wonderful feeling.