relieved

Relieved

Yesterday was a very bad day, not necessarily bad on its own, but in collaboration with the last week, month, year, and decade, quite atrocious. It was a day of painful recognitions. The realization that all my recent hopes have always died right after they were birthed, that enjoying hope was not possible, because I am inevitably let down and denied the celebration of success. I don’t believe in not getting my hopes up, its part of whom I am, but yet my life seems to be trying to direct me to a new way of understanding hope, all beget emotion in general. I must learn to turn it off, even hope, which I do not understand. I do not accept nor understand the learning process of neglecting hope, the most amazing of things, in order to not be let down so hard. If I am to be more careful of hope, how do I tell when to exercise it? If I wait until it is safe to hope, after the situation has resolved, then I have lost the chance to hope to begin with. So I say to this new continual disappointment that has lasted for years, I disagree. I call horseshit, and I use my standing up for myself card, which was recently acquired, to enforce my decision.
I do feel strange hoping now though, like I know it is a bad idea, for some reason there is no hope here. There is only faith; a kind of long distance hope that requires you to keep it even if it lets you down once in a while, even if it only comes true once in a while, because by definition it is something that you have to create even when there is no evidence of it. I used to think it was something that you had to believe in without evidence, but now I know it is something that you have to create as well. Faith is a persevering hope, which brings me back to my first paragraph.
As I look out from a bird’s eye, I understand why my hopes aren’t succeeding, and only my faith is. I am creating my faith at a time when there is no hope, partially because that is one of the only times when one can create something beyond hope. Only when you feel you have nothing, can you create faith; otherwise you are just believing in what is already there. Growing up and living slower seems to be a bi-product of this lesson, I hope it isn’t for me in a way, because I don’t want to forget hope, and being really emotional and alive, I just want to learn to live slow and fast, and what time is the right time for each. That and I wish the process was more fun, and less horrible, but I can’t think of a way for that to be with the way you have to learn faith.
The problem with this for me is that I am becoming afraid of spirituality. It seems that spiritual growth is all pain and suffering, and not really worth it. I’d much rather just accept who I am, live life not growing anymore, and be close to people. Much more than venturing out on my own on some forced spiritual conquest that will leave me “better as a person.” The truth is, I like who I am now, and I think that this loneliness is making me a stronger person, but less happy. I don’t want to be someone so cold and independent, just because everyone else hurts the people around them and I don’t think I should have to be.
I apologize for the bi-polar nature of this piece, but I also like it that way a bit. It expands on why I need to step away from emotions, but at the same time why I need to keep them. I feel that it is so hard for me to tell if the direction of my life, as far as connections are concerned, is due to myself, or others. I feel in my heart that it is others, and that I have always valued and excelled brilliantly in my relationships with friends and loved ones. So I just don’t know what to do when there is no way for me to have a single deep connection in my life, I think I have created this false struggle of learning to stand completely on my own and create faith just because I am so frustrated at the way others neglect the most valuable of connections. The thing in life I value the most, the only thing we keep beside ourselves after we pass on is abused, forgotten, and left for dead. Most of the time it is left for sick, disgusting reasons; egocentrism, fear, selfishness, and material possessions.
I simply don’t believe how cold and lost some can be. We are brothers and sisters, yet we leave each other to drown. Why can’t we explore each other a bit? What happened to best friends? What happened to having someone you could tell everything to? I never gave up on it, even after losing it many times, because I am a spiritual being, not an island.
These complications rack my mind, because I am now stuck standing up for myself on my own, and learning to be even more careful in my friendships, which leaves me no close friends at all. Not dissing the distant homies, I mean ones here. Its tough to be myself when the thing I value the most is the thing I must learn to be away from when I don’t believe that it is healthy to be away from it. Experiencing life alone, I just don’t feel very much at all, in fact I feel dead. I don’t consider it life, only when balanced is it life. When I have a best friend, or loving relationship, all the sudden my alone time blossoms. I am happy to be apart from everyone, and into myself for a while. But, when I have nobody to do anything with, my alone time is trying. It is all the time, and it is out of balance. This is why, for me, I disagree. This balance is killing me, making me stronger, yes, but taking away something irreplaceable. Taking away my life to make me stronger is no grand gesture, is it necessary to allow me to be able to cut off anyone who abuses me? No. I could do that before, but it is giving me the power for something greater, something of which I do not fully understand.
And so, with these ten opinions of the same subject I have in my head, I leave you to comment, and as a sum total, I still call horseshit.

P.S. value your connections enough to fight for them and with them, and always empathize with the other and yourself